shaken and stirred

After he spit into a teachers face today, I suspended a 16 year old man-boy, who I have a pretty solid relationship with. We sit quietly, I explain why and what. He nods head in understanding and I ask him to go to a specific room to write up his version of story. Instead he runs back into the class, bonks a kid in the head and begins to try to conjure up fellow demons. I follow, ask him to leave, and physically begin to guide him out. He postures, pretending to throw fist in my face and left with another student trying to talk him down. I walk out into the hall and immediately see a fist flying down at my face at full force. I somehow manage to duck and avoid contact and even guide arm to his side, trapping it. Other fist flies toward my face. I grab him in a full bear hug with every single ounce of my strength to keep his arms tight to his body so he can't make contact with my face/body/me, while he thrusts and fights and tries to hurt me like a crazed male adolescent. I feel my eyes bulging, holding on like a boa constrictor. He lunges toward me and i split-secondly decide that we/I would be safer on the ground and I take the fall onto my back and head, with him still on top of me and me still holding him, arms locked as tightly as they've ever been. Only kids above us, screaming at him to get off of me, them not knowing that i actually have him trapped. Two adults appear, far too weak and elderly for me to entrust that I won't get punched if I let go. We are face-to-face and he is screaming that if he gets loose he is going to kill me. He begins to head-butt me, hitting my lip and face. I wrench my neck numerous times to try to maintain hold, grip, yet trying to keep my head away from his head that is slamming at mine. from around the corner run two male staff that I know I can trust. They grab him off of me, and I get up, shaking harder than I have in a long time. I was panting, barely able to breathe and every muscle in my body was twitching. By now, everyone has come arunning and is concerned and are-you-okaying. I just stood, still shaking it off and okay-ing them back except for the shaking and twitching and not being able to breathe that well. I do an unusual act of going into my office and actually shutting the door. I stand and continue to shake and shake. I still can't breathe right for the shaking and I can no longer speak for several minutes. I get it together enough to tell an immediate that I am going to sneak out without attention and go home to shake it off. On way out, i am pulled aside by another immediate who shows me the 2-4 minute track of the surveillance video of the attack. I watch and feel out-of-body it was so vicious. I could not believe that i was watching myself. Get in car and begin to sob uncontrollably. almost immediately almost rear-end a car. i pull over. make two phone calls, drive again. almost rear-end someone else. get home. gilly wakes up. i am sobbing like a crazy person. i was scaring him so i splash water on my face, try to calm down. he is nervous so is walking around playing the harmonica, which makes me cry more. i finally get it together. except, hours later, i am still not together.