being a teenage girl

Getting 'ready' to go out in jr high/high school. We'd gather at one friends house. Sharing secrets, showing self. Trying on fifty outfits, clothes flying through the air, in piles all around us. Putting on/washing off make up, doing each others hair, giggling like girls for hours. The music on the tape player, seemed to be coming from within. Enjoying one another and our shared grown-up-ed-ness. The anticipation that this was going to be the best party/roller-skating/driving around/movie/party of our lives. Sharing a love of our newly found night. Safe and daring and new. I wish I could have one tiny stem cell of myself then, imbedded into myself now. The level of hope and hunger I had in one day, I could propel into another hundred years.

update on beatdown

Thanks for all your kind comments and messages......

ME: So, I went to work the next day, mainly to send a message to staff and students. Left a little early because I needed to lie down. Feel like I was been beaten with a bag of oranges and my neck feels tight and tough as a pot roast. One of my ribs hurts pretty bad, but I don't think it's broken because I heard its hard to breathe if it is. I kept up appearances and tried to not let the pain show too much, but still emotionally unsettled and feeling pretty antisocial. Just in a semi-deep funk. No. Honestly, I'm freaked out to the bone. I've been working with these kids for 16+ years. I've been accidentally hurt many times before, and I've had parents attack me, but this is my first out and out intentional attack from a kid. I have solid relationships with the majority of my kids (not all, but most). I'm pretty fucked up from it.

TEACHER: Kid made an allegation of corporal punishment against the teacher, who I had to remove from teaching duties until an investigation is completed. Gets spit at and then punished on top of it. No good deed goes unpunished.

KID: Gets 10 days suspension. The kicker...he'll still be in school. In-school suspension. Because they are emotionally/behaviorally disturbed, it is against the law to suspend them at home. "It's punishing them for their disability"

ICING ON CAKE: After I left early, two kids went into an empty room and had sex (with two student onlookers) Girl then claimed rape, and had to be sent to hospital for exam and morning after pill. I'm potentially on the chopping block for "allowing for insufficient supervision of students". Someone oughtta write this shit down.......

shaken and stirred

After he spit into a teachers face today, I suspended a 16 year old man-boy, who I have a pretty solid relationship with. We sit quietly, I explain why and what. He nods head in understanding and I ask him to go to a specific room to write up his version of story. Instead he runs back into the class, bonks a kid in the head and begins to try to conjure up fellow demons. I follow, ask him to leave, and physically begin to guide him out. He postures, pretending to throw fist in my face and left with another student trying to talk him down. I walk out into the hall and immediately see a fist flying down at my face at full force. I somehow manage to duck and avoid contact and even guide arm to his side, trapping it. Other fist flies toward my face. I grab him in a full bear hug with every single ounce of my strength to keep his arms tight to his body so he can't make contact with my face/body/me, while he thrusts and fights and tries to hurt me like a crazed male adolescent. I feel my eyes bulging, holding on like a boa constrictor. He lunges toward me and i split-secondly decide that we/I would be safer on the ground and I take the fall onto my back and head, with him still on top of me and me still holding him, arms locked as tightly as they've ever been. Only kids above us, screaming at him to get off of me, them not knowing that i actually have him trapped. Two adults appear, far too weak and elderly for me to entrust that I won't get punched if I let go. We are face-to-face and he is screaming that if he gets loose he is going to kill me. He begins to head-butt me, hitting my lip and face. I wrench my neck numerous times to try to maintain hold, grip, yet trying to keep my head away from his head that is slamming at mine. from around the corner run two male staff that I know I can trust. They grab him off of me, and I get up, shaking harder than I have in a long time. I was panting, barely able to breathe and every muscle in my body was twitching. By now, everyone has come arunning and is concerned and are-you-okaying. I just stood, still shaking it off and okay-ing them back except for the shaking and twitching and not being able to breathe that well. I do an unusual act of going into my office and actually shutting the door. I stand and continue to shake and shake. I still can't breathe right for the shaking and I can no longer speak for several minutes. I get it together enough to tell an immediate that I am going to sneak out without attention and go home to shake it off. On way out, i am pulled aside by another immediate who shows me the 2-4 minute track of the surveillance video of the attack. I watch and feel out-of-body it was so vicious. I could not believe that i was watching myself. Get in car and begin to sob uncontrollably. almost immediately almost rear-end a car. i pull over. make two phone calls, drive again. almost rear-end someone else. get home. gilly wakes up. i am sobbing like a crazy person. i was scaring him so i splash water on my face, try to calm down. he is nervous so is walking around playing the harmonica, which makes me cry more. i finally get it together. except, hours later, i am still not together.

in the blink of an eye

so strange....

Was examining a bottle just now and wiki'd him.....

update. please read the really brief history section. kills me.

weight watchers

When I was pregnant, (yes, almost 2 yrs ago), I made the tragic mistake of thinking I could eat whatever I wanted. I ate like an animal. I grew, my feet and face grew, everything ballooned. I have suffered from it. My feet got something called Plantar Fasciitis , which still makes running (and even long-time walking), nearly prohibitive. So a few months ago, I decided to do weight-watchers online. I could not commit to meetings, time is too scarce. I gotta say, the shit reallllly works, if you stick to it. I do part-time ww, as I cannot omit beer and general tso's completely from my world. If I sticked to it, I'd be skinny. Half-time, I'm getting there. but got a long way to go.

All's wall that ends wall

Today was the last day of the massacre at maujer street. The guys are finally done. All told, I didn't really lose as many plants as I had thought I would. Had to amend soil, and plants are puny due to my having to cut them all back, but with time they will flourish again. Really I guess it was mostly time that was lost.

But the icing on the cake? The neighbor came over today with an envelope for me. He said, " a little something for your troubles". I came inside figuring it would be a token gift certificate or something. $300 and a note saying, happy plant shopping! Plus we also got some firewood from the tree he cut down in back of his place.

Sometimes people can be really good neighbors. I wish this guy could rub off on the bastard on the other side of us.

.

update: on my way to work today, i noticed that inside his building, in a corner to the right is an altar with a small buddha and some christmas lights around him. also, lit candles at his feet. I love that.

Dream # 2

Got an unexpected nap from 5 to 6-30 today. Had weird dream that this fat hispanic woman was taking care of Gilly who was laughing his brains out. She kept trying to keep him away from me, but he still kept laughing. His laughs started turning into bubbles, and she and I started to compete to swallow them. She hated me, and was trying lie on top of him to keep him away from me. We were both determined to eat all the laugh bubbles, but i was more determined, and i ate more of the laugh bubbles, and had the laughter just running out of me, it was like i was tripping on some hallucinatory drug that i have never tried before. And so beautiful, and perfect.

Got wood?

This is my new gift to myself. Cannot wait to christen it with friends soon. Now, where to get ample supplies of firewood in Brooklyn? Will already told me that my plan of loading the car with firewood from VA won't work, with car already full of dog, us, boy and stuff. Already checked craigslist without much luck. As nutty as I am, I don't envision myself splitting logs for hours, but duraflames, won't cut it for the blazing this crazy-pyro plans on doing.

salt on wounds

I grew up with animals, in the garden/yard/fields/woods in dirt and filth and every allergen imaginable. Now, when I'm already dealing with getting fat and ugly, I now have to contend with pollen? How strong do I have to be? I really would have preferred my physical challenges to have come at an earlier date, when i was way stronger. I don't remember losing this bet.

dream interpretation #1

I have always been a really vivid dreamer. And I have kind of, pretty semi-regularly written them down. So, I will start new thread, so that you can truly 100% conclude that I am bananas and you should not be keeping company with me.

Two nights ago, I dreamed that I lived in a house adjacent to a lake, or some kind of body of water. It was a darkish woodland-set house, with lots of trees overhanging and very shady. It starts with me driving down the sandy road to the house and I see a huge SUV, like a hummer at the end. A swarthy man is at the wheel. I ask him if he needs help, assuming his car was broken down. He glares at me, curses and pulls out.

Cut to the house. It had many, many entrances, and seemed older. like maybe built in the 50's or 60's or something. I was sitting at a type writer in a room off of the garage. (Think the woman in clockwork orange for setting). Suddenly a tow-headed boy pops his head through the door and asks if I want to buy some candy to support his school. i say, "No, you don't belong here, but good luck" and swoosh him out the door. Another boy, and then another, pops heads through. They swell in. I am trying to scoot them all out. They seem harmless at first. They start grabbing at things around me, like pens, paper pads, chair cushions, ipod, etc.

I run upstairs and see that there are tons of kids trying to get in every entrance. It becomes like "the birds" except with boys. And some of the people in the house are friends....Kate G was there, Julia was there. And Will was there, as were about 5 people I work with. We started hammering wood up on doors and lighting fires in the fireplaces, hitting the kids in the head with frying pans, just straight out clobbering them.

I start to make the connection that the guy in the driveway was related, and this was his band of gypsy-boys he was sending to rob us. We seem to successfully have them all at bey. Until one of my teachers assistants comes to me holding one of her socks. In the sock was a little webby coccoon, and in the middle of the cocoon was something that looked like a centipede/half boy like thing.

you won't believe this one....aka PETA be damned

Going to bed last night. As usual, Loretta and I head up to "the big girl bed" and I set to brushing my teeth and, and, and...i guess that's the extent of my beauty regime. Walk around corner and instead of her usual red-eyed, hang dawg glance in my direction, Loretta is actually scampering back and forth across the room. "Shit, effing cat must have gotten up here", I think. So I stick my face under the rocker where she is sniffing, about to grab what I think is my grey cat and send her back downstairs, when WHATTHEFUCK?????!!!!!!!! A fucking rat bares it's teeth and makes a slight lunge toward my nose. I mean my nose, (which is not huge or long) is one fucking inch from this disgusting, angry beast. I almost have a stroke, shit my pants and I'm coming elizabeth all at once. I fall back on the bed, like an overweight scarlett, and call gihyb on the celly to make this go away. ( I then sleep on couch with blankets formed into tents resembling Tompkins square circa '89)

Now, bear in mind, I am not a girly-girl who is inherently afraid of bugs or vermin. I handle worms and bugs regularly, and as a science teacher had rodents in cages (where they belong if they do actually belong anywhere) and as new york city resident for almost 20 years, rodents have been an on/off (albeit mostly off) part of my living experience. However, there are rules to be followed, just like all ghosts and the devil and dolls who come alive at night, must follow. (evil things rule: you cannot harm me if a light, even a tiny light somewhere in the house is on.)

Gross living things rule: Rodents can ONLY live in the basement (until i kill them). They may TRy to attempt the kitchen, (but then I will kill you even more quickly). Under NO circumstances are you allowed above the first floor. THOSE ARE THE RULES! This is the first time you broke the rule. Ergo, you are now dead. I wanted to post the picture but thought some of you might actually feel sorry for the rule-breaking-almost-nose-biting-bastard. Greg extracted the dead beast for me today, thanks. Manny's wear so many hats.

Anyway, for mothers day this weekend, I want gihyb to buy me 100 traps so I can set them everywhere so I can squeal in ecstasy at every snap, and every dead thing I can find. (yes, it's akin to the rosebud bath).

BTW, To be fair to the dead bastard, I don't think he knew the rules. They just knocked down another shitty building on our shitty block and the dead guy and his friends and family were homeless. Sorry, fucker. Snap, snap, snappity snap to all your friends and family. HAppy Mothers day!

alternate life

Most people I know live in the suburbs. I prefer to shop for stuff in the suburbs. I occasionally fantasize about living in a nice, big house in the suburbs for the same price of my lousy-block hovel. I worry though. I have such good friends, so near, and so available. I can walk anywhere I need to go, for anything I need. What if we make the move and become so isolated that we never have drop-by visitors, no sense of community, et al, for 1K more living space? Not to mention that I don't think I could find a friend because I am too weird to have normal friends. I guess I just answered my own question. But it does offer some appeal.

buzzkiller

I am the accidental queen of blowing surprises. Which is no surprise, as I hate surprises. but I have never done it intentionally. Few yrs back, cindy softball having a surprise birthday party for boyfriend, asks me to invite team. I send out invite, forgetting HE is on my team and on list. duh. Surprise 30th for Will's cousin. He comes up for a visit. Invite on fridge. duh. Mamalizza surprise shower. Invite on fridge. duh.

If any of you are planning a surprise for anyone, don't invite me until the 11th hour. Too many visitors, too much duh.

a good day....

what started off as a slightly rough one...(going from not drinking at all to drinking 10ish beers is a tough one to shake off...brrr) turned out to be a lovely day. Went to not-a-surprise-anymore-baby-shower-thanks-to-me for mamalizza and had a really nice time, especially talking to S, who I am sure I would be good friends with if the planets had aligned an inch to the left some years back. Came home, gardened for a few hours, which cleared my head and my spirits (pun intended). And then went to SK's annual derby party.

At both parties, I was primarily with people that I don't know that well, and that is good for me. I rarely attempt to go out of my way to make new friends, as I feel badly enough that I can't devote enough time to my dear ones already. Also, I think that most people find me to be a bit weird (because I am), and so why bother? But this is rude to them and unhealthy for me.

But shortly after the sadly, disturbing race, I was out in SK's backyard playing two-step with Gil, I was casually perusing the crowd from afar and thinking about the day and the growth of Sk's yard and of the slow and constant progression of all things living. I was not really thinking about any of it individually, kind of like all at the same time. And while not the deepest of thoughts, I felt so incredibly rich and so happy to be alive.