sleepness nights

i have always been a lousy sleeper. as a kid, i would frequently wake up in strange places in the morning, i'd find myself in the bathtub, behind the water heater in the basement, and sometimes even in the yard.

now, i just cannot get to sleep. i lie there, and lie there and every worry passes through, preventing comfort.

sometimes, it's not even worry, it's memories of things i want to remember, and fear i'll forget. sometimes it's weird little things i am inventing (but i usually do forget those)

sometimes it's re-living current events, and feeling that my life is so full that i really should be exempt from the sleep clause.

on the rare occasion that i can, my dreams are so scary, that they wake me up, and i usually opt for tired over fear.

if i drink, i fall asleep easily, aka, pass out, but i wake still tired.

If i take an ambien, or any kind of sleep inducer, i fall hard, and then i am up, like clockwork between 3:30-4:30 and can never fall back asleep.

I have lost the ability to lie down and naturally fall and stay.

This is beginning to scare me. I have no handle on it, and I am always so tired, and look and feel like shit.

Last fall, I took a trip with my mother and Gilly up to NH. I was driving on all these mountain roads and starting falling asleep at the wheel. Drove into the other lane. My mothers answer? "You should smoke or have some diet cokes, that was scary". Me, "why can't you drive and let me sleep?" Her: "Oh no, I could never drive here, I don't know the area, you'll be fine"

i have so many exhaustion contributors in my life.