Going to bed last night. As usual, Loretta and I head up to "the big girl bed" and I set to brushing my teeth and, and, and...i guess that's the extent of my beauty regime. Walk around corner and instead of her usual red-eyed, hang dawg glance in my direction, Loretta is actually scampering back and forth across the room. "Shit, effing cat must have gotten up here", I think. So I stick my face under the rocker where she is sniffing, about to grab what I think is my grey cat and send her back downstairs, when WHATTHEFUCK?????!!!!!!!! A fucking rat bares it's teeth and makes a slight lunge toward my nose. I mean my nose, (which is not huge or long) is one fucking inch from this disgusting, angry beast. I almost have a stroke, shit my pants and I'm coming elizabeth all at once. I fall back on the bed, like an overweight scarlett, and call gihyb on the celly to make this go away. ( I then sleep on couch with blankets formed into tents resembling Tompkins square circa '89)
Now, bear in mind, I am not a girly-girl who is inherently afraid of bugs or vermin. I handle worms and bugs regularly, and as a science teacher had rodents in cages (where they belong if they do actually belong anywhere) and as new york city resident for almost 20 years, rodents have been an on/off (albeit mostly off) part of my living experience. However, there are rules to be followed, just like all ghosts and the devil and dolls who come alive at night, must follow. (evil things rule: you cannot harm me if a light, even a tiny light somewhere in the house is on.)
Gross living things rule: Rodents can ONLY live in the basement (until i kill them). They may TRy to attempt the kitchen, (but then I will kill you even more quickly). Under NO circumstances are you allowed above the first floor. THOSE ARE THE RULES! This is the first time you broke the rule. Ergo, you are now dead. I wanted to post the picture but thought some of you might actually feel sorry for the rule-breaking-almost-nose-biting-bastard. Greg extracted the dead beast for me today, thanks. Manny's wear so many hats.
Anyway, for mothers day this weekend, I want gihyb to buy me 100 traps so I can set them everywhere so I can squeal in ecstasy at every snap, and every dead thing I can find. (yes, it's akin to the rosebud bath).
BTW, To be fair to the dead bastard, I don't think he knew the rules. They just knocked down another shitty building on our shitty block and the dead guy and his friends and family were homeless. Sorry, fucker. Snap, snap, snappity snap to all your friends and family. HAppy Mothers day!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
snap, snap, snappity-snap is hilarious! all is fair in this city between rodent & homosapien, just save the skins! never know what their future trade value may be...
Tell ya what. If you want to skin my vermin, come on over trapper girl.
Freaky Scary.
Hey... Doesn't your son refer to GW as 'Rats'?
i met a woman at my garage sale who seemed farther out in left field than myself. she confided that she had just lost her sister and then her mother, and was doing wierd things like painting her front door, walls, and yard furniture red, to help her cope. Blood red. Anyway, she 'kept' rats caged as PETS. Said they were like friends. all kissy with her rats. sent me christmas card with frightengingly large letters scrawled " CALL ME!!!" with a number but I had too much on my plate already.
Post a Comment